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Apr. 30th, 2015 @ 09:08 am Evocation
You are my eyes when I cannot see...
You are my voice; see, sing through me...
You are my strength; in weakness be...
Wholly.
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black hole
Mar. 27th, 2015 @ 07:42 am On discrimination
To those of you who support government telling private businesses and organizations that they can't discriminate, what's your basis for that

This is going to require a lot more than 140 characters to discuss properly. Sit back, let's get started.

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Rex - Friendly wuff...
Mar. 4th, 2015 @ 08:50 am Exactly how stupid do you think I am?
Work shenanigans.Collapse )
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DEATH
Mar. 3rd, 2015 @ 06:28 am Dreaming
I wandered home through silent streets,
And fell into a fitful sleep.
Escape to realms beyond the night;
Dream, can't you show me light?

...

The sleep is still in my eyes;
The dream is still in my head.
I heave a sigh and sadly smile,
And lie a while in bed.
I wish that it might come to pass--
Not fade like all my dreams...
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Snakes & Arrows
Feb. 26th, 2015 @ 04:47 pm Note to self
Melodramatic much?
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Rex - Say what?
Feb. 26th, 2015 @ 07:29 am Chasing my tail
I could go all whimsical here, even quote a bit of Rush. Ah, who am I kidding, I'll do that just for the fun of it:

Spinning, whirling, still descending
Like a spiral sea unending!
Sound and fury drown my heart;
Every nerve is torn apart!


It's topical. :)

I am currently struggling with the symptoms of burnout. It's not something I particularly want to have to deal with right now, really. But my temper has been getting shorter, my patience has been lessening, and I see the way I almost frantically keep flipping between manic intensity and unbridled, deep loneliness. I would say depression, but I think that's inaccurate at this point. I'm not nearly so bad if somebody else is along, though at that point I am simply exhausted and almost broken.

This got long.Collapse )
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Snakes & Arrows
Feb. 23rd, 2015 @ 09:37 am Hmm...
Feeling super-lonely today, not sure why...
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pawprint
Feb. 5th, 2015 @ 12:46 pm Ends
It's somewhat disheartening to keep having your coworkers tell you that they're embarrassed for you, because of how little you earn. It's not like I earn less than they do. In fact, I earn more... and yet, they're still embarrassed for me? It's uplifting, somewhat, to hear them describe me as the backbone of the company. It's flattering to hear them say that I deserve twice my current salary.

I am somewhat of an anachronism. I am, occasional biting and kicking aside, a loyal employee. I'm not generally pestering management for raises or carping about how I deserve to earn more. I prefer stability and flexibility over sheer earnings, so I don't hop from company to company all the time. And I try to be reasonable, which means I try to think critically to figure out what management can do and what they intend, so I don't overask.

People have said I'm too nice, and nice people never get anywhere. Trapa has sneeringly accused me of having no ambition, of just wanting to be a big fish in a small pond. It's true, I am not dedicated to climbing the career ladder at the cost of my own happiness. I am also not interested in anybody else's definition of what "success" should be for me in terms of how much I make and what my job title is.

But when people are ashamed and embarrassed on your behalf, because they feel that you earn too little--when you already earn more than they do--there's something about that fact which really eats at me. That's a strong statement. Am I settling for too little? Lord knows if I was earning twice what I do now, a lot of my problems would be less problematic.

Then we run into the other issue with switching employment. I genuinely like and enjoy working for Technical Boss. I genuinely dislike working under Marketing Boss. It used to be that the office bought food on a monthly basis--granola bars, bags of chips, cheese sticks, even some cans of soup. But on Marketing Boss's dictates, that's all been switched out for "healthy food"--nuts, a little dried fruit, and instant oatmeal. No more granola bars. No more cheese or fruit cups. No more cans of soup. The soup in particular was an annoyance, as he proclaimed in the kitchen that he's "not interested in buying anybody's lunch."

Marketing Boss also tends to be less flexible than Technical Boss is. Technical Boss will happily give me time in lieu if I can work on a holiday and want the time elsewhere. Marketing Boss won't consider it. Marketing Boss also has a tendancy to deny my requests for vacation, if he feels it inconveniences the office too much. But I've never had Technical Boss deny a request--at most, he comes to me and asks if I can possibly figure out a different way to align things. We fix it cooperatively, instead of me getting a unilateral "no."

I'm not staying here for Marketing Boss, that's for damn sure. And if I can only talk to one of the two three partners of the company and get a decent response (Technical Boss has actually privately asked me to just bring requests for vacation etc. to him, so I don't get blockaded by Marketing Boss), then clearly I'm not in an excellent situation.

And yet here I sit. It's not a great environment out there for jobseekers. I should feel fortunate to have my job--and I do. And dammit if I'm not loyal to a fault, and don't want to leave Technical Boss on his own to handle all the daunting stuff that I deal with for him. Nobody else here can take that stuff on, that's just a fact.

Am I just being too timid? Am I being too loyal? Am I just being stupid? I don't know, and I can't tell.

---

On a side note, I don't think we'll be returning to Wizard101 or Pirate101 as a family. KI committed an unforgiveable sin against tiger, and he's not one to forgive or forget such things. Which is saddening to me, both because I didn't think their response unreasonable, and because it ends something that we've had as a family for years now.

But as much as I seem to have forced him into begrudgingly agreeing to actually pursue further troubleshooting, the strikes against KI keep mounting up. I know full well that it's not going to improve. If it were me, I wouldn't be nearly so annoyed, but tiger already went nuclear and it's not improving. It's over, whether anybody else admits it at this point or not. The writing's on the wall, and anybody who refuses to read it is merely a fool.
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black hole
Jan. 26th, 2015 @ 10:47 am Incoherent anger
I'm angry. I'm not sure why, but it's a slow fire, burning inside of me.

Why do other people get to have such personally fulfilling times at conventions? My major con experiences? Work, or a broken-down car, or letting friends down, or losing a love interest that you worked hard to please. Sure, you might say I should take a con off to actually enjoy myself, but that's not wise. At least working conventions prevents me from having all the other crap dumped in my heart.

I know what I want. I'm not attractive or strong enough to get it.

While we're on the subject of not being strong enough, I hate feeling stuck in life. I have shit I want to do! But I can't do it. And I can't get into it without naming names, so this entry gets cut short.
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DEATH
Dec. 7th, 2014 @ 09:31 am Confusion
There are times when I just get confused.

I'm asked (with some degree of shirtiness) to move my stuff "more efficiently", and given a deadline of a week. I shrug and start moving it immediately. "No time like the present," I say.

I start by moving things from garage to kitchen. I plan on using it as a staging area before I move stuff down the stairs. I explain this. I get yelled at for it.

So I start moving stuff down the stairs. But before I do, I get angrily queried on whether I know where I'm going to put it. No, I don't. That was kinda the reason why I was moving stuff down a bit at a time instead of all at once, but I don't bring that up. I just say no, I don't know where I'm going to put it all, I'm just going to figure that out when I start moving stuff down there. So I get yelled at again.

Don't I know that moving my stuff wasn't an order? Don't I know it doesn't make any sense to move stuff if I don't know where I'm putting it? Okay, so I'll go do that right now, then. More yelling. Don't I know I'm not doing any good moving stuff into the kitchen? Don't I know the point is to just get my shit out of his spaces? Okay, so I'll move stuff directly from garage to basement and bypass the kitchen? More yelling. Don't I know that I have until the next week and I don't have to do it now? Don't I know that? But... I -can- move it now, and why is it an issue if I do?

Maybe it's the guests' fault? I started moving my stuff, they wanted to help out. I told them not to (fully understanding the rules of the house preclude guests from being roped into house tasks), but they chose to do so anyway. Maybe I'm getting blamed for creating a situation they felt "obligated" to help with? I don't know.

Anyway. Much yelling over how I should move my stuff, but it must be all in one trip without any temporary staging areas, but not until I know exactly where everything is going, and why for gods' sake does it have to be done tonight! (I -volunteered- to move it tonight, dammit.)

I don't understand why I was yelled at. I'm not likely to ever get much of an explanation. It's very likely to wind up being all my fault, somehow--for not understanding the person who was yelling, if history is any indicator.

I don't care; it doesn't matter in the end. All my stuff is downstairs, and what I do with it now, and when, is my business. I need not provide an explanation.

It doesn't matter in the end. How can the possessions matter when the possessor does not?
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